I am feeling much better today, about many things. Despite the fact that yesterday my dad quit his job, I'm perfectly fine. Of course, I'm am one of the world's worst worrywart, and can't help but feel despair seeing all these bills piled in the container attached to the side of the fridge. I am worried, very worried.

On the plus side, I got his little portable TV in my room. I only get maybe two channels, Fox and channel 4, but that's really all I need. I can play my video games on it and watch the Simpsons. I've just summed up about half my life's preoccupations.

DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN! I'm working on my Chapter 39 terms. I know I should've started yesterday so I wouldn't have to do all eighteen plus the summary today, but I was really out of sorts yesterday and just needed a break from life, as usual.

I feel very scared. The "for real" interviews will be coming up in a couple of weeks, and I need this job. Not so much for the money but as for the experience. Also so I'm not stuck at home all summer long. x_-;;

There's no Dr Pepper here. >_> *sigh* It's going to be a very long Sunday afternoon. Wait, it's not even past noon yet. Crap....

winamp: Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen

I just lost my blog. It was really long. NortonCrashGuard causes more damn problems than it fixes. And it doesn't even fix any problems! >.< Gaaraassahhhraaaagggffffeesaaaaa....

*deep breath* Okay. Let's try this again.

I broke a landmark in my solo writing history today. Only maybe a month or so ago I broke three hundred pages. But today, I broke four hundred pages. Yep, and aside from blogging and being frustrated at our STUPID MODEM that's what I've been doing.

I love to write, but I'll admit I'm not very good at it. My only strong point seems to be dialogue, and it's not particularly witty or clever most of the time, but it does sound a lot like how people usually talk, including pauses and sudden changes of thought. At least, to me.

...Crap. Anticipating another crash, I copied all of what I just wrote, and forget for that one crucial second that I had COPIED ONE AND A HALF PAGES OF SOMETHING THAT I HAD JUST WRITTEN IN THE STORY AND DIDN'T PUT ON A BLANK DOCUMENT. Sometimes when I write I decide I want a precursor chapter to whatever I'm writing, so I copy whatever I've got for that chapter and start the other one.

Stupid me. Things just aren't going very well right now. <_< It's hot, I'm tired, my back hurts, life sucks, I'm so worried over college that I almost cried today because I couldn't find my graphing calculator. I'm under a lot of stress. I have an intern interview coming up in two weeks, two AP tests in two weeks, I've got blood donations on the 15th, Staff vs. Students Knowledge Bowl that same day. Krystal wants me to go to Acquire the Fire with her May 2nd and 3rd. Chemistry test next week. My period's overdue and I feel like I want to break things. I'm depressed because I don't have a date to Junior Prom, and the Super Friends cancelled our plans for the Junior Prom, too, so even if I went I'd still be alone. I hate where I sit in Pre-Calculus because everyone in my group uses me for help, so I never get any peace. Clarence calls me a sponge because you can squeeze information out of me. I feel like an answer whore these days.

Doesn't anyone see who I am, aside from a walking, talking dictionary/brain? Does anyone even care?

I'm so scared of the future. I'm afraid I won't be able to do what makes me happy, that I'll end up miserable in my job, alone, without friends, stuck in life, nowhere to go. I'm afraid to ask for much for my birthday because I've already paid almost $200 in tests, plus all the bills are coming up this month. And furthermore, do I even deserve anything? I'm not a good person, I don't do anything for anyone. I'm mean to my friends, I have horrible, angry thoughts about other people all the time, and I just feel like hurting someone right now.

I keep telling my mom I have problems with my anger but she just thinks I'm joking with her. As atrocious as this sounds I would really like to hurt my classmates. The girls are so weak and they let the guys make crude, sexual jokes about them all the time. It sickens me. I'm no hardcore feminist but I think that there should be a stopping point. I'm sick and tired of hearing disgusting stories in Pre-Calculus. I'm in that class to learn about pre-calculus, not about who's blowing who.

I want to scream now. I want to bang my fingers on the keyboard and just hurt myself and other people. Is it so wrong to have so much anger? I want the anger to stop, but if I took medication or took therapy for it, who would I be? My anger fuels my incentive to succeed and get away from this hellhole high school and its carbon copy students, but I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Oh... >_> I thought that Swords Online had Cloud's Buster Sword. I could've sworn that they did... maybe they dropped it...

How depressing. ~_~ Oh well; I had no intention of cosplaying as him anyway. It's Sephiroth all the way for me, baby. XD

winamp: Sometimes It Hurts by Stabbing Westward

Ah, the weekend. Blessed, blessed weekend. Unfortunately, that means I have two whole days to fret and worry about the internship sessions I have on Monday and Wednesday. ~_~ Joy.

You know, I haven't played any video games since Sunday. I'm almost scared to ask myself why.

winamp: Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top
Because every girl is crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

This isn't good. As you faithful readers know, I have been addicted to Dr Pepper since I was around five. Maybe addicted wasn't how I started out, but it sure is how am I now.

I read Jack London's White Fang a couple times, and there's always a phrase that sticks in my head. The thirst. Gray Beaver acquired the thirst for liquor, I have one for Dr Pepper. It's not an itty bitty, "Oh, I wish I had a DP now" craving. It's one mean monkey, screeching "GIMME DP NOW!"

My head aches, my mouth feels dry and useless, and my whole body is itching, writhing for a cold taste of that sweet, sweet nectar....

Caffeine is probably why I've put on a little weight over the spring break. I had, in fact, overcome the need for two weeks, but then one day my mom finally bought Dr Pepper. She had before been using the excuse (or it might have been real) that the commissary was all out. About two weeks later it seemed they got them back in stock. >_> So naturally I couldn't just let my no-good, parasitic, worthless, stupid, smelly, disgusting brother drink it all.

Besides, milk doesn't really compliment pretzels all that well. Neither does water.

I know I can withstand the need for Dr Pepper if I have juice, any kind of juice, even that disgusting concentration crap, but not if there's only milk or water. >_> It's just not reasonable to ask that of me. I really don't like milk and the water made me sicker than a person with the bubonic plague a while back (plus it tastes bad), and I shudder to think of buying bottled water. I mean, c'mon. It's really no different from tap water, aside from the fact that it's tasteless. You know, I don't know what's worse; tasteless water or bad tasting water.

Um, anyway, back to the addiction. I just feel this strong desire to go downstairs and get the cold Dr Pepper from the freezer and chug it all in a few seconds.

I think I need help. But they probably don't have meetings for Dr Pepper addicts. Maybe for caffeine addicts.

So... I blogged three times in a month. Yay! Unfortunately, all of it centered around my life's vice (aside from video games). And I still maintain excellent grades. All the people who work hard in school have every right to hate me. @_@;;

winamp: Simon's Symphony by DJ Crono
Yes, more French rapping, but it has some English rapping too. Plus it's Castlevania! Can't go wrong with that! XD

What a travesty. They moved Hercules from 3:00 PM to a 3:30 slot. Now I can't watch both Hamtaro and Hercules. <_< They come on at the same time, different channels. How dare they ruin my schedule...

Anyway, spent a couple hours at UPS. No, not the mail place. University of Puget Sound. I and some of the Super Friends (Amber, Evin, and Chris) had lunch with our student teacher for Chemistry, Ms. Mathews. She is really cool and a great teacher. I hope she comes to teach at Mount Tahoma next year, since I'll be taking AP Chemistry.

UPS is a beautiful place but I don't know if it's for me. I was actually pretty intimidated by the environment. College students are pretty scary to be around, even if they're not doing anything "unusual". It was weird to be surrounded by intellectuals. Heck, it was weird to be around people who were actually mature and courteous. I think that's what threw me off. I know not all people will be this way in college, but I tell you what, it was certainly a lot better than high school.

Anyway, I'm doing homework now. ~_~ I put it off for the first half of Spring Break, because I really needed to veg out, but now it's time to slowly readjust myself into a work mode. AP tests are coming up soon and so are the SATs. I'm scared of the future and I don't know if I'll be all right. People say just try and do your best to succeed, but even doing that might not be enough. I tell you one thing, though; I'm NEVER going on the Jerry Springer show. Don't ask where that came from. ^^;;

I started working on a Final Fantasy VII fanfic, but as with most (rather, all) of my work it's crap. I think it's somewhat of a curse to realize the full crappiness of your work. I almost envy people who are oblivious of their horrendous skills (or lack thereof), people who can't even use the correct variant of the word. Such a case is their, they're, or there. Or even you're and your. >.< Gosh, that irks me so. It's one thing to do it once and then be corrected, but to put posters ALL OVER the campus of a HIGH SCHOOL that have HORRENDOUS grammatical errors is in a league all its own. Small wonder America's youth is lagging behind in the education department.

Maybe as much as I love writing I'm not cut out to be an author. It's still my number one dream, to write stories that encourage people's imaginations, but I just... can't do it. Jenny says I should let other people read my work because she thinks I'm too negative about it. How can I be the sole judge, she says. She also thinks I have low self-esteem. ^^;; Heh, well, that's obvious, but it's nice to have a friend who'll beat me when I say negative things about myself. XD

I started practicing drawing again. The hardest part for me is accepting the fact that my drawing skills aren't going to improve over night. Of course this is obvious, but I'm the kind of person who either has to get it in the first five minutes or never for the rest of my life. I'm trying to change this but naturally it's hard to change a lifelong habit. -_x;; Still, I'm kinda proud of my picture of Raveth at seventeen years old. Even if he looks nothing like I imagined him to be, at least he's proportionate (I think). ^__^

Before I finish blogging, I would just like to say... Why don't they have more Sanosuke in Rurouni Kenshin? And why does Trigun come on so late? ~_~

playing: Hamtaro: Little Hamsters Big Adventures
C'mon and sing this secret spell, it's just for you! XD

I can't decide about colleges. It's either UW, AI, or NYU for me. I've decided no WSU because they don't have a gaming program. I haven't really looked into NYU but I hear good things. UW offers a game design program but not in the usual curriculum, and the Art Institute has some really excellent programs.

The bad thing is that the only Art Institute that offers both game design and game programming is the Art Institute of San Fransisco. There are others that offer game design, but that's more art than the technical side. And since I'm no good at art, I'll have to stick with the programming. And going out of state is really expensive. I don't know if I could afford it. I mean, there are scholarships, but... I don't know if I could get a full or at least a really good one to the AI if I'm not great at art. They have scholarships based on merit, but I can't find any info on how far these scholarships go.

...God, I'm so worried. I want to follow my dream and work with video games, but... what if I can't? Plagued... I'm not sleeping well, and my writing's shot.

Anyway, I'm in Drafting 2 now. It's a free day since it's the day before Spring Break. Thank goodness, I needed some time away from Rhino. @___@ It's driving me insane. Although I did get to make a cute rubber ducky. ^_^ But Mr. Bahr won't let me make a sword on the 3D printer. -__x;;

now playing: One Winged Techno [OC ReMix] by dispater